About three years ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar. It started with a bout of postpartum psychosis, which led into a severe manic episode. Then I was diagnosed with bipolar.
These past three years have definitely been a journey. I still try to put all the pieces of everything that went down together, but I don't believe I ever will. I am not going to hide the fact on this blog that I have bipolar. I have always been a very open person, so this is nothing new.
My manic episode seems like a blur to me now, but I'll try to piece parts of it together, so you can understand some of what I went through.
I gave birth to my son, Luke, November 6, 2019. I tried to have a natural birth, but upon failure to progress I ended up needing a c-section. The first few months seemed fine. I gradually adjusted to being a mom of 2 under 2. I even took my kids out to mom groups, which I really enjoyed.
Then the beginning of March hit, and we were put into a lock down because of COVID19. I felt lost. I felt like my life was taken away from me. I couldn't go to mom groups anymore, and any hope for socialization was gone. My son was 4-months old, and already I wanted to go back to work. I think it was mainly for socialization. I felt like I was going crazy at home, as normally I am a go go kind of person.
I decided at the height of the pandemic to start a business selling masks. I figured this was something I could do to keep busy, and also earn a bit of money. I hired someone to help set up an Etsy shop for me, and got my mother-in-law to help with the sewing. I even bought cellophane envelopes, stickers, and everything I thought I needed to start a business. I was making money, but getting more orders than I could keep up with. But my mother-in-law and I devised a plan to keep up with everything. But at the same time, I decided to become a preferred customer with a wellness company. I enjoyed the company, as it was something I believed I could sell, as I enjoyed the products. But doing both businesses at the same time got very overwhelming for me, and I felt like a mental breakdown was coming. I remember I even had an argument with the person that signed me up.
I started staying up all night. I was either gaming with my friend or working on stuff for my businesses. I honestly don't know how I survived on so little sleep. I remember specifically gaming one night, and I had Luke with me in his crib. I would take breaks to feed him, and then let him sleep in the crib or the bouncer. I also remember sleeping on and off in the rocking chair. Not sure how good of sleep he was getting either.
I also was ordering a lot on Amazon. Most of the stuff was for my business. Boxes upon boxes would show up at my front door. Some things I don't even think had a purpose. I even put in a month subscription for spray and wash. Who needs spray and wash that often?
In addition, I had a spiritual experience around Easter and felt like I rededicated my life to God. So I was very heightened in my spirituality. I even listened to a friend that did a reiki reading for me, which really wasn't a good idea. I started drawing images. I would draw something, and then give some words to friends and family that I believed God was telling me. A lot of the time I would tell them the devil was in them. I can't explain why I did that.
I was making a ton of phone calls, and sending long messages to people.
At one point, I called up a pastor I knew and told him to take notes for a sermon I believed he needed to preach. There was a lot of controversy and other things related to COVID19 going on at the time. I remember chatting with him, and taking the kids next door before hand. I believed the world was going to pass away soon. My mind was literary everywhere.
During my weekly chat with my family, they knew something was going on with me. I remember being afraid of my mom during one of our chats, as it seemed almost like she was muffled and coming out of the screen in a sense.
I ended up going to my doctor at the breastfeeding clinic, and my regular doctor. I mentioned I was hearing voices, and some other things. They ended up showing concern for me, and I was told I needed to check myself into the ER. If I didn't do that the police would have come to take me away. It was really bad.
At the ER, I believe my husband dropped me off, and told me to call him after. I remember in the waiting room talking to a couple people. I had no fear talking to people I didn't know. I told a boy that was bleeding that he would one day be a pastor at a camp.
In the room of the ER, I waited for the doctor to see me. The door had to be shut, and it was a clear door. I gave a security guard a letter. In the letter, I told him he was going to marry my sister. I was texting people still during that time as well. I remember a nurse scared me, as I believed the devil was in her. She was talking to me and it sounded muffled. I remember I wasn't cooperative, and they had to hold me down on the bed. I screamed at the doctor and the nurse. I don't remember if I slept a couple days after that or not, but then I woke up in the psych ward.
To Be Continued....
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